Nappy-headed activist?

While in North Carolina over this past weekend, Vic and I visited the Museum of the New South.  It's quite a fascinating place - I love that the exhibits are so interactive.  One of the exhibits was about African Americans' natural hair and the images/stereotypes/what-have-you that go along with it, at least, in this country.  The exhibit mostly consisted of quotes on the walls, recalling old stories about how Black people wound up "cursed" with this hair, jars full of "cockleburrs" and audio of racist taunts about the nappyness of African hair.

I walked out of the exhibit enraged.  After giving myself time to calm down, I asked myself why I found the exhibit so hard to stomach.  And I realized that it brought up so much in me.  Honestly, when I decided to go natural about four years ago, I hadn't really thought it through all the way.  I just remember being tired.  I was just plain tired of the same old, same old after 18 years.  I was tired of getting my hair burnt into submission every six weeks, only to have it fight back after two.  I was tired of the smell of the chemicals, of sitting under the hair dryer for two hours at a time because, though straightened, my thick hair would refuse to dry completely, as if it were her last ditch effort at resistance.  I was tired of the gossip and headaches of waiting hours in salon.  I was just tired.  And I wanted a change.  I wanted to be able to feel free and as if I was capable of taking care of my own hair.  So I just stopped.  I stopped it all - the salon visits, the touch-ups, the chemicals.

It didn't go over well with everyone.  Vic didn't fight me on it, but I could tell he was terrified at the prospect of having a kinky-headed wife.  The first time he saw me with my new short afro, he looked perplexed.  He had no idea why I would do that to myself and said as much.  My grandmother (and his) both balked at my cutting off my long, straight hair to wind up with naps.  Why would I want to do that???  My aunt continually made comments about how she didn't think anyone looked good with natural hair, particularly people with big, round heads (that would be me, I'm guessing).  The only one who accepted me without any backtalk was my daughter and she was a baby.  But I loved it.  I still do.  I love not having to wonder "What am I going to do with my hair" when I go on vacation.  I love being able to jump into a pool with not a second thought.  I love walking bareheaded in the rain.  I love sweaty nights of sex without worrying about my kitchen kinking up.

I had convinced myself that that was all it was. That I just wanted my freedom.  I convinced myself that I didn't think making the choice to sport natural hair was any different than making the choice to sport straightened hair.  But I don't know why I talked myself into that.  In the back of my mind, I've always known that it's not that easy or that simple.  I've always known that the very essence of my being is militant - always has been.  I am the last to cave to authority.  I am the first to question.  I am the first one ready to march, boycott, pop someone in the mouth.  I'm a fighter, for good or ill.  And yeah, I know that my head full of Sisterlocks might not go over well everywhere.  Yeah, I knew when I walked into my agency with a huge 'fro folks were gonna look at me with the cut eye (they were giving me "Madam" all over the place!).  I knew that I'd opened myself up to comments.  I relished in being able to snap at folks who told me that my hair was unprofessional (my comeback: I dare management to say it.  They'll have a discrimination lawsuit on their hands so fast it'll make their head spin).  I absolutely flaunted my nappyness as hard as I could.

Admit it or not, choosing to rock a natural is a political statement.  For me, that statement is, "I will not be dictated to.  I will not concede to your idea of beauty.  I will set my own standard."  It's so nice to meet eyes with another woman who rocks the locks or an afro or braids or whatnot.  It feels like we share a certain something.  I don't knock the choice of my girls who don't have any desire to grow out their perms, but I've made a different choice and I stand by it ... with my fist raised.

Comments

[Lilan]

Absolutely moving post! I never knew that people would look at you differently if you had natural vs. straightened hair. Maybe I live in a naive society called San Francisco where people don't give a flippin' hoot how you look anyway.

Thanks for opening my eyes to seeing that there is still a racial struggle within ourselves and I commend you for standing up for what you believe! Beauty is the core of our existence - only when we have it within can we show it to the outside.

[Toya]

Thanks for your comment, Lilan! (I love San Francisco, by the way!) I agree with you that beauty is internal first - one can look really pretty and not be beautiful, but the people that I find the most beautiful are those who radiate with inner peace and happiness and confidence.

I find myself way more beautiful now that I honor myself and think who I am naturally is beautiful.

[tb]

I've been natural since 19, I'm 36. I've worn twists, curly fro, braids and now locs for 8 years. Last year because of a health condition I started to lose my locs in spots. It was a tramatic experience. But I embraced it and faded my back and sides and I'm rocking a funky do with locs on the the top. I get all kind of stares....but mostly from women. Men think its different and like the change. Women think I'm crazy to have a half head of locs and the other half shaved. I love my new look, shorter hair makes me look younger and I stand out in a crowd. Losing my hair taught me a valuable lesson. As India says I'm an not my hair.... If I shaved my hair all off I'm still beautiful and if I have locs all down my back I'm still beautiful. Beauty is internal and hair is a physical manifestation of an internal revolution. So yes it's political, but as Erykah says some people can have locs and processed minds.....

I grew up in NYC where women with natural hair was a norm. I learned early to appreciate my natural beauty despite the images and pressures from others who couldn't understand my decision way back in the late eighties. Once I went natural I knew I could NEVER turn back to a permed state. Natural hair is freedom to me.
--tb

[Keala]

Girl, you sound like me. I love my natural doo.

My husband had a fit when I went natural. As a matter of fact, everybody did.

I just started locking in May and my mom said she thought I would have locked up sooner. I loved my afro too much to lock.

I'm glad you didn't cave in to the masses and went with your heart. I love to see women sporting natural doos.

You do you mama.

[Jules]

I love your hair now and I loved your afro too. It should be absolutely your choice how you wear your hair. On a more superficial note, to me nothing looks more awful than chemically over treated hair regardless of the ethnicity of the person sporting it!

[Cait]

I've been reading your blog for months and love your take on beauty. I'm a blue-eyed blonde makeup artist from Canada who assumes that everyone is beautiful regardless of race or colour and one of the reasons I love beauty-blogs on the Internet is b/c blogs like yours teach me about all kinds of beauty. I've never commented on a blog before but this article made me mad that beauty still has its biases. This is one of the best written articles on beauty I've read in a long time. I would love to see this published in a magazine. You genuinely moved me in this and I thank you for that. Keep up the good work!!!
Thank you!

[e]

As a bi racial woman, I grew up with the notion that I had "good" hair while my poor cousin was "cursed." It saddens me greatly the way we have internalized this racism against one another, just as there is a class stratus regarding the color of our skin. We should embrace one another as a whole. Hell, it's hard enough being brown in America let alone a woman. Maybe I'm rambling but I found your post moving and close to home.

[Toya]

Hi Cait! It's so great to "meet" you. I'm always happy to hear from my readers. I'm glad that this article made you think and that it affected you. It took me a while to even realize how much my natural hair means to me and what statement I'm making by wearing it. It's great to know that this post has educated others and that you are one who is able to see beauty in all people. Thank you!

[Toya]

Hi e, I feel you. I never really had "good" hair, but I always had long hair and, in my family, that was the standard of beauty. When I decided to cut it off to have a short afro, the women went ballistic!

[Jamie]

I had no idea this kind of cultural conflict existed - or at least conflict surrounding perception of beauty. What an eye-opening post, Toya.

p.s. I loved the 'fro on you.

[Toya]

Hi Jamie! Great to hear from you!

People outside the community often don't know about what intra-cultural issues we have. But those of us in the Black community are well aware of the problems we have re: hair, skin color, etc.

Thanks for your comment! I loved the 'fro on me, too, it was just time to try something else.