The Life of A Ladybug

Toya's Tip: Bend over and shake 'em! (or, If the bra fits, wear it!)

The #1 tip of fashion for us "well endowed" women is "Wear an appropriate bra!"  An appropriate bra = one that is well-fitted and well-suited for whatever outfit you're wearing.  It is never acceptable to go braless when one has a C cup or larger, in my opinion.  As one who sports a DD bra, I'm hardly ever braless, unless I'm in the shower or in the bed (sometimes I wear them to bed - LOL).

The best tip I can give you is to go get fitted!  Don't assume that you're wearing the right size bra because most women aren't.  Those back problems you've been having?  It's because you're wearing the wrong size bra!  Having a beautifully fitted bra will make you feel more secure in your garments, you'll look better in your clothes because everything will be lifted and smoothed out and it'll make your back feel better.  Most department stores offer bra fittings, I imagine.  I know for sure that Nordstrom does, because I go get fitted at least once a year to make sure that my bra size hasn't fluctuated.  An even better option is a lingerie boutique.  There is such a store here in Baltimore - it's called We Fit.  I first went to We Fit while in college when I realized I'd been having some back pain.  When I entered the store, I was accosted by two little old ladies - a Black one and a Jewish one.  They hustled me into a dressing room and instructed me to strip my top and bra off.  The old Jewish lady took one look at me and clucked.  "There's no way you're a 36 DD."  She began to measure me and I turned out to be a solid 36 DD.  When she'd gone and gotten me the right size bra, the old Black woman turned to me and said, "Alright, honey, bend over, put all your children in the cups (she called breasts "children" - hilarious) and shake 'em good to make sure they settled."  After I did that, she yanked up on the straps, adjusted them perfectly and snapped me in.  Suddenly, my breasts were high, lifted, separated and beautiful.  The heavens parted and the angels sang!

Every day that has followed, I have done the "bend over and shake 'em" method of putting on my bra.  And I suggest you do the same.

So, this week's Tips are: Go get fitted and Bend over and shake 'em!

Comments4aCure!

Today is the beginning of Comments4aCure!  As I told you before, The Beauty Blog Network is banding together to make a change for the better.  For every comment you leave on my blog in the next three days - June 4, 5, and 6 - I will donate one dollar, up to $250 to Sisters, Inc., an organization devoted to educating African American women about cancer prevention.

I'm not the only one doing this!  Many of our members also are involved in this effort.  So, don't just comment here, visit all our members and comment on their blogs, too!  You don't have to say anything in particular - feel free to comment in whatever way you want - share your stories about your experiences with cancer or comment on whatever beauty-related topic I've posted about, send encouraging messages, whatever.

And commenting isn't the only way you can help!  If you look in my righthand sidebar, you'll also see the ChipIn button.  You can click on it and donate money directly.  And there are other options, too:

1. Teri from Beautiful Makeup Search has created a fabulous Cafepress store with items you can buy.  All proceeds will go directly to the National Brain Tumor Foundation.
2. On June 10th, lasting for seven days, The Beauty Blog Network will be hosting a giant goodie bag auction on eBay, via Mission Fish.  All proceeds will go to the American Cancer Society.
3. Other BBN members also will be auctioning off goodie bags on eBay.

Please visit the Comments4aCure page and find the other members who are participating - and comment away!  We need your help!

I'll keep you posted during these next three days - remember, you can comment on this post or any other in the next three days!  Thank you, my loves - together, we can fight cancer!

Vote for Kiri, please!

You may remember that, a while back, I talked about a short film, "A Girl Like Me," made by a young girl, Kiri, showing how, even today, young Black children, particularly young Black girls, do not value themselves as beautiful.  Well, Kiri has entered the CosmoGirl film contest and she is in last place right now, but coming on strong, thanks to Afrobella, who has asked her readers to vote for Kiri.  I am joining Afrobella in that effort.  Kiri's film is important - we need to talk about why little Black girls don't think they're beautiful ... what are they seeing in the media that's saying otherwise?

I know that all my readers aren't Black women, but you don't have to be Black to care about the plight of Black girls.  White women are subject to negative messages about their beauty, image, and worth, too.  And if one little girl thinks she's ugly, it hurts all of us.

Please watch the film and vote for Kiri!  Click here!

Can we have it all?

Many women of my generation have been raised with the belief that we can have it all - that we can be wives, mothers, career women and do it all with style and flair.  I'm here to tell you -  we can.  Just not in the way some of us think we can.  There are several friends of mine who tell me that they look to me as an example of having a balanced life ... as a woman who has all the things they want and seems to juggle all balls easily.  But it's not easy.  And I don't do it alone.

What I've discovered in my life is that it takes a village to be me.  Yes, we've all heard that "it takes a village to raise a child", but in my mind, it takes a village to have a life, or, at least, to have the life that I lead.  I am a very happy woman, but I'm happy because I've made myself happy.  I live with joy and I live my life as fully as possible.  None of that would work without my support system.  Now, mind you, my firmest support, aside from God, is me.  I love myself and I put myself first.  That is not to say that I do what I want to the detriment of my daughter or my husband.  But that does mean that I don't restrict myself to make them happy.  One day, my daughter is going to grow up and leave my house to lead her own life.  If I put myself aside now in order to focus entirely on her, what will I have when she's gone?  What would happen to me, if, God forbid, something were to happen to Victor?  If I didn't have other things in my life that give me purpose, I would wither and die.

I like my job.  I have wonderful co-workers and working for the Federal government affords me flexibility that can't be found in other work environments.  I am successful at what I do - I'm good at it and it pays well.  I work 9 hours most days, so that I get two Mondays a month off to spend with my daughter and attending to my household. On the days when I do work, Sarai stays with my mother, who, thankfully, lives less than a mile from us and across the street from my workplace.  As a freelance make-up artist, I can make my own hours.  To keep up with my bellydance rehearsal/performance schedule, I have the help of my supportive husband (who grumbles now and then, but never forbids - not that I would listen, anyway) and mother, as well as being gifted with dance partners who love my daughter and welcome her into our circle.  I have friends who expect to see her when we get together and who love and nurture her as her "aunties."

Without these people, I could not do what I do.  I acknowledge this.  I am not a miracle worker or Superwoman.  There are women who cannot live my life because they do not have a similar support system or are unwilling to utilize the one they have.  There are women who have made different choices - who choose to be mothers first.  That decision is right and proper for them, just not for me.  There are women who shake their heads and "tsk" when I say that I love to be alone with my husband, sans child.  If having no "date nights" works for their marriage, more power to them.  But for me and my husband?  If we didn't have nights where we didn't have to worry about being "Mommy and Daddy", if we didn't have nights (and sometimes whole weekends) of romance and unrestrained loud sex without worrying about hearing the pad of little feet ... we'd fizzle.  We know that.  We like each other a lot and we enjoy each other's company.  I think this is a great example for Sarai - it shows her that marriage can be hot and sexy, that it doesn't have to be humdrum just because it's a committed relationship.  I want her to see her parents kissing one another passionately and flirting with one another.  I want for her the kind of marriage we have - one full of fire and fun.

It is not selfish to want the best for yourself.  It's okay, I promise you.  The best doesn't have to come in a way that causes harm to others.  But you can live your life - you can go out with your friends, take that class, open that business ... you can, but you have to acknowledge that you can't do it alone. 

Grey's Anatomy conundrum

So, does the lady who had two uteruses on last night's Grey's ... have two periods???

Oprah v. Hip-hop

As some of you probably know, there's now "beef" between several hip-hop artists and Oprah Winfrey.  Mind you, as far as I know, Oprah did not start this beef.  From what I understand, this all started because Ludacris went on Oprah's show to promote a movie and she ragged on him (and other members of the cast, BTW) for his free use of the word "nigger."  Of course, he (and Terrence Howard, if I remember correctly) tried to defend the use of the word, saying that, when it's spelled with an "a", it means something different, that it becomes a term of endearment.  Terrence even said that he calls his White friends "my nigga".  As you definitely already know, I think that reasoning is bullshit.  Oprah thinks it, too, and let them know so and told them that words have power and energy and that everything behind that word is negative.  As a result of that, Luda (who I usually love, but he's just wrong in this case and I won't defend him) has declared that Oprah is anti-hip-hop.  Ever the desperate media whore, 50 Cent jumped on board, even though this has nothing to do with him and said that he thinks Oprah is against hip-hop, too.  (I guess that's why his "In Da Club" was the theme song for her 50th birthday celebration, right?)

Now, more and more hip-hop stars are jumping on this particular bandwagon, including Ice Cube.  He's another dude I love, but again, he's dead wrong.  He's upset because Oprah has never had him on her show.  Um ... Ice Cube?  You do realize that it's the Oprah show, correct?  That means that she gets to have whoever she pleases on her show.  She does not owe you a spot on the couch just because you're Black.  That's just ridiculous.  So, was she anti-hip-hop when she had Queen Latifah on the show?  Or Will Smith?  Or Kanye West?  Or Diddy?  Come on, y'all.  It sounds to me like some juvenile behind sour grapes situation.  You made 'cause Oprah ain't impressed with you!  And you don't want to be called out when you're in error.  Well, allow me ... YOU'RE WRONG!  Oprah has answered this foolishness in the press, saying that she does, in fact, like hip-hop.  Yet the brothers are still dogging her.  Guess what?  I'm not Oprah.  I don't care what they think about me.  I don't like this whole thing.  They're being trifling by even starting this trouble.  Why do they feel the need to say something against her?  It's so crabs-in-a-pot.  I just can't get over it.

Neither Oprah nor any other woman owes any hip-hop star (and by that, I mean the men, because I haven't seen any women mixed up in this crap) any props just because they happen to be celebrities.  If you're doing or saying the wrong thing, you deserve to be castigated.  Calling someone a "nigger" or "nigga" (Again - what's the difference?) for any reason is WRONG!  When you say something like that, your shackles are showing.  You are buying into the racial degradation that was thrust upon us by others.  You are accepting someone else's image of you and playing into the stereotype.  And I understand that such racial self-hatred is how many of these men make their money, but that doesn't excuse it.  Nor does it excuse misogyny.  I don't care how many times I'm told that I'm being sensitive because I refuse to listen to things wherein women are called bitches and hoes.  Yes, I know that I am neither a bitch nor a ho, so such words don't refer to me.  However, the men saying those words would label me with them, whether the label fits or not.  And I'll be damned if I'm going to raise my beautiful, brilliant daughter to think that it's okay for one of those labels to be applied to her.  I am raising her not to answer to anything less than the power of meaning of her own name - Sarai, which means "my princess."  She is now and will always be treated with respect, consideration, and care.  Any young brother who crosses my doorstep looking to date her will understand such or be done away with.

I'm not Oprah.  And I don't owe those fools nothing.  Neither does she.  And if they don't like what I'm saying, they can feel free to rip me apart over the airwaves or whatever, but it won't change my mind.

I guess this means I need to hand over my Black card, right?  Whatever. 

My period started today.

I know that might be TMI, but it's what's on my mind right now.  I am on my period and I'm happy.  I know that's weird to say, particularly since I'm 28 years old, married, with a good job and a good home.  Most women who are happy about receiving their periods are young, with no husband and no prospects, if you listen to people in my family.  But none of that is true about me, and yet, I'm still happy to be on my period.

I'm happy because I really have no desire to have another child right now.  Sarai is the love of my life.  Having her has added things to my life that I never knew were missing.  It is a joy to be her mother and I'm reveling in that joy.  I feel no need to add another child to the mix and neither does Vic.  I am happy with my life as it stands - I'm liking my job, my make-up business is growing slowly but surely and dancing continues to excite me.  Vic wants to go to graduate school.  Our daughter is 3 years old now and potty trained, which is a huge relief.  I don't know exactly what having a second child would do to this life, but I know that it would change and that's not what I want.

Sometimes, I feel slightly guilty, like when I had to tell my mother that I won't adopt one of her foster children.  I love the little girl and want to see her in a loving permanent home, but I don't think that home should be mine and, once I removed guilt from the equation, I was at peace with that decision.

Several friends of mine are either pregnant with their second child or already have one.  And I'm not there.  I'm not even sure I'll ever be there.  I am happy for them.  I want for my friends what they want for their own lives.  Sometimes, though, when I talk to other women, I hear things that are supposedly complimentary toward me - like how they think it's so great that I started my business or have become a dancer or whatever - that's then covered with a thin layer of snark, like "I could never find the time to do that!  I'm so busy with my child(ren)!"  Hey, fair enough.  Not everyone has the same priorities or energy level.  I don't expect people to be able or even want to do the things with their lives that I do with mine.  I find value in taking care of myself, finding my own joy in life.  If I am a miserable woman, I am then a miserable wife and mother.  So, I made myself a happy woman and my marriage and parenting got immensely better.  That's what has worked for me.  But I don't dare to impose that lifestyle on everyone.

What irks me are the unnecessary judgments women place on the choices of another.  I'm just not into having conversations about parenting and marriage much anymore because I'm tired of folk who get defensive about my not having made the same decisions they've made.  What I want is for each woman to think she's valuable and intelligent enough to make the choices that are right for her, without worrying about those who've made different choices.  What I want is for each of us to support one another in those choices, without recriminations.

The Bankses and the Campbells

Last night, I watched a rerun of The Tyra Banks Show - it showed her interview with Naomi Campbell, in which Tyra went on and on about how bad Naomi treated her when they were both young Black models, trying to take over the fashion world.  Naomi, of course, was already a star when Tyra got started, and was the darling and muse of established fashion houses and she did not take kindly to another young Black woman coming onto the scene.  By all accounts, Naomi was horrid to Tyra.  According to Tyra, she started reaching out to other clients like Victoria's Secret and Sports Illustrated not only because she'd become a bit curvier, but also because it would give her the reason to get away from Naomi, since they wouldn't be in direct competition anymore.

During the whole interview, Tyra's voice is shaky and her eyes are brimming with tears.  Naomi is serenely looking back at Tyra as if she couldn't be more bored by the whole thing.  Tyra even admits that she continues to fear Naomi to this day, when she'd once idolized her.  I felt really bad for Tyra - it must have been awful for her to meet her idol and then have that person she'd put up on a pedestal treat her like last week's garbage.  Still, I spent the whole episode thinking, "Um, when are you going to get over it, Tyra?"  Now, hear me out.  I understand how scarring such a thing can be - I've been terrorized and had my heart broken by people I looked up to before.  But it's been over 10 years since this all happened, right?  And Tyra continues to be afraid of Naomi???  Even though Tyra is a big star in her own right???  I mean, for real, Tyra ... Naomi has such issues that she can't stop getting arrested for assaulting people and you're worried about what she thinks of you???  I wouldn't give a rat's patoot what Naomi thought about me, if I were her.  And, truthfully, no matter what came out of Naomi's mouth during that interview (which was precious little - the "interview" seemed more like a venting/therapy session on Tyra's part), I don't think she's one bit sorry for the stuff she did to Tyra, real or imagined.  She's not one bit sorry that she terrorized that girl and I think she's secretly glad that Tyra's still afraid of her.  Naomi's a bully ... a beautiful bully, but a bully, nonetheless.  Tyra needs to see and understand that fact and then do what?  Move the heck on.  Leave Naomi to her daily business of assaulting assistants.

So ... have you ever been terrorized by someone?  Bullied?  Had a feud?  Want to get it off your chest?  Share here!